“I have a deep fear of being too much. That one day
I will find my someone, and they will realize that I am
a hurricane. That they will step back and be intimidated
by my muchness.”—Rumbles From My Head (via rabbrakha)
They want me to pray.
I’m not saying I don’t believe in God.
I don’t know what I believe…I’ll find out what’s real when it’s time for me to know.
& I feel horrible because I didn’t want to say it, but I used to pray.
It never worked for me.
For him, his faith brings light to the darkness.
I can’t believe in things with no proof.
& I’m not saying that if there is a God, he’s horrible because of the things that have happened…
I just think it would be selfish of me, with all that I have, to ask for help now especially after all this time.
I would gladly give my life to someone who needed it.
And he got pissed at me because “it isn’t your choice to live or die” and “life is a gift”
But everyday I feel the weight, the burden.
I’m not here for me, I’m here for everyone else…because they want me to be..because I don’t want to hurt them.
*sigh* don’t read this.
Sometimes I think all I need is to be held for a while...
But I got that earlier and I didn’t want it. It hurt and I cried a little….thinking, eventually this will end. Eventually, it always ends. And anyway, the person…Will never feel any type of way for me.
If I could tell you what I wanted, I might say unconditional love, but I know now that love isn’t going to fix everything. It’s not a cure all. I told him I wanted a baby, just a little tiny human who would always love me but I wasn’t ready yet. And I’m afraid that if the child doesn’t fill the void I have…what if I end up taking my life someday anyway….I can’t hurt my child like that.
Or maybe that’s the point. Idk I’m talking out of my ass. I’m empty. And what I want the most is not to exist. I’m not even sure, even after death, that that is even possible. I’m lost.
“She said, ‘I’m so afraid.’ And I said, ‘why?,’ and she said, ‘Because I’m so profoundly happy. Happiness like this is frightening.’ I asked her why and she said, ‘They only let you be this happy if they’re preparing to take something from you.’”—Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner (2003)
What if colleges only made you pay the percentage of tuition that you failed, so if you got an average of 86 for the year you’d only have to pay 14% of the tuition, but if you got a 94 then it’d only be 6%. That way we’d be rewarding…